Tuesday? HA! More like SNOOZEDAY, right? LOLLERSKATES!!!!11

Today is Tuesday. Now, I know, I know. You might say to that, "But, Falwless, what does that really mean?" And I might reply, "You know what? Can't you, like, shut the fuck up for like one second? I mean, really. I'm only one sentence in here and you're already piping up? Jeeesus Chreeeezus, man."

But, then, when I got done berating you, I would continue, as follows.

It's Tuesday, blogfriendishes, and it's a perfect time to write a blog post. In fact, I might even venture that there will never be a more perfect time than now. Because yesterday is gone and tomorrow is uncertain. Now is here, and its time has come, so why don't we be present?

Yeah. I don't even know what I just said right there. Some shit about now and tomorrow.. seriously, what was that?

Anywhoodle. I have been very productive at work, what with the no-blogging and no-blog-reading and no-more-masturbating-in-the-handicapped-stall going on. Now that the kibosh has been placed on those activities, and seeing as how Gmail and The Bookface and the Tubes of You are blocked, really, what the fuck else is there to do but work? Corporate bastards, they're so damn sneaky!

So, I have my annual review soon, and I've come to realize something interesting about myself. I am always frightened of being canned, at any given moment. I think I even have nightmares about it sometimes. Now, if you were to wonder if my worry had any basis in reality I would assure you it does not. But then I would secretly wonder to myself if, somehow by my cocky assurance, I have cosmically fucking hexed myself and then spend the rest of the day suspiciously eyeing my boss for signs of impending doom.

I mean, I always get wonderful reviews, I do my work and, let's face it, even though I can't really prove it (yet), I'm probably the smartest person alive on the planet. I mean, seriously, who wouldn't want me as an employee? Well, Al Qaeda perhaps. I really am a grumpy-ass traveler, they probably would get tired of my constant bitching about the window seat. Plus, I suspect that whole hiding out in caves thing that they do? Dude, hello. BOOORRR. IIIINNNGG. Anyway, other than terrorists, I'm pretty sure I'd be an asset to any organization. Or weird-ass cult.

I mean, not to make you jealous or anything, but I went ahead and jotted down (read: just now typed in this here white box) a pretty awe-inspiring list of strengths I've developed in my career journey thus far. Allow me to share.

• I sometimes open a very impressive- and confusing-looking Excel sheet or VB code module and pretend to be studying it as I close my eyes for 5 or 10 minutes and nap. I face inward in my cube, so no one ever knows. But this one time I swear to god I woke myself up with my snoring. I was startled, to say the least, and did the whole look-around-with-bewilderment-at-that-random-noise-someone-else-other-than-myself-just-made-because-wtf-dude-stop-making-that-weird-noise-hello? I totally think it worked.
  
  
• I successfully (going on 8 years now) pretend not to have received the monthly email asking for volunteers to clean the break room refrigerator. Seriously, wtf, yo. I barely clean my own refrigerator, and I never use the break room, so yeah, eff that, homey. Knock yourself out.
  
  
• I am a contributing member to the Birthday Party Club, where once a month we gather to celebrate all the club members who were born that month. Basically this serves two purposes -- carb loading and bullshitting, both at which I am highly, highly, HIGHLY qualified.
  
  
• During the day, I will write emails to non-work friends with lots of swear words and terribly off-color remarks in them. I'm pretty sure somewhere in my corporation I am on some sort of email abuse watchlist. But, hey, I like to keep any spying eyes entertained. I'm a giver.
  
  
• I come and go as I please. I'm sort of autonomous in my position, so it's cool, but I've taken it to a new level. Sometimes I'll just go outside without warning and play Tetris on my phone for like 20 minutes. Working is so HARD, people. Everyone needs some outside Tetris playing in their work day, no? Also? Suck my dick, mister straight line piece, you're never next when I need you to be. You are a worthless fucker and I hope you just crumble over and fucking die. GAH.
  
  
• I am pretty much considered a tech genius around here, because I know how to turn on a computer. Now, before you get the wrong idea, I really barely know what a computer is. (Shut it, Weston.) I mean, yeah, I have a degree in Info Sys, but it was a business degree, so it was more like Info Sys management, not hands-on techie crap, right? But man, compared to these morons? I'm goddamn Bill Gates. I see the most retarded people around here doing the most retarded things. For instance, one lady I know changes her Outlook signature every single day to include today’s date (3-8-10). For what purpose, you might wonder? Because I seriously think she does not have the sent date field showing in her view of her sent items, and this is the only way she can tell what day she sent something. God bless her.

So, yeah. When I am fired one day I'm pretty I'll be able to bounce back quickly. I hope "Sleeps soundly in uncomfortable office chairs" fits nicely on my resumé.