Don't expect me to pay attention in your meeting

So I was in a work meeting this morning, and the handouts were fastened with a large paperclip. I mindlessly started bending the paper clip to straighten it into a long metal wand, and all of a sudden I had a flashback. I flashed back to the time I killed a vagrant with a sharpened paperclip shank.

Just kidding, just kidding. But were you pretty scared for a second there? Seriously. Be honest, you nancy boy.

The real flashback was this - when I was a kid I used to straighten out paperclips and then bend them into a half circle so I could put it in my mouth and fit it around my teeth like a retainer. And then I'd go around showing everyone my completely fucking awesome retainer.

This led me to thinking of other ridiculous (read: ingenious) shit I used to do, and I remembered something else. In 2nd grade I was obsessed with taking Elmer's glue from my desk and slathering it all over the inside of my hands. Once thoroughly coated, I would proceed to shake my hands around to help quicken the glue drying and then, with the utmost glee, peel the dried glue off. It was like peeling sunburned skin. So. Much. Fun.

In related news, I may or may not have repeated 2nd grade three times.

Just kidding.

It does make me wonder, though, why Mom never questioned the obscene amount of glue I was blazing through given the paucity of macaroni art being produced. I'd have been like, "What the hell are you doing with all this damn glue, kid? Are you, like, selling that shit at recess to fund a bad Ring Pop habit or something? Jesus Christ, man. Give it a fucking rest with the fucking glue, wouldja?"


I know. I know what you're thinking. And you're right. I am going to be such a good mom.