So I was in a work meeting this morning, and the handouts were fastened with a large paperclip. I mindlessly started bending the paper clip to straighten it into a long metal wand, and all of a sudden I had a flashback. I flashed back to the time I killed a vagrant with a sharpened paperclip shank.
Just kidding, just kidding. But were you pretty scared for a second there? Seriously. Be honest, you nancy boy.
The real flashback was this - when I was a kid I used to straighten out paperclips and then bend them into a half circle so I could put it in my mouth and fit it around my teeth like a retainer. And then I'd go around showing everyone my completely fucking awesome retainer.
This led me to thinking of other ridiculous (read: ingenious) shit I used to do, and I remembered something else. In 2nd grade I was obsessed with taking Elmer's glue from my desk and slathering it all over the inside of my hands. Once thoroughly coated, I would proceed to shake my hands around to help quicken the glue drying and then, with the utmost glee, peel the dried glue off. It was like peeling sunburned skin. So. Much. Fun.
In related news, I may or may not have repeated 2nd grade three times.
Just kidding.
It does make me wonder, though, why Mom never questioned the obscene amount of glue I was blazing through given the paucity of macaroni art being produced. I'd have been like, "What the hell are you doing with all this damn glue, kid? Are you, like, selling that shit at recess to fund a bad Ring Pop habit or something? Jesus Christ, man. Give it a fucking rest with the fucking glue, wouldja?"
I know. I know what you're thinking. And you're right. I am going to be such a good mom.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Don't expect me to pay attention in your meeting
Labels:
my childhood of promise
38 comments:
You're pregnant??
Since when did the homeless guys finally start running faster than you?
Congratulations on your pregnancy! So THAT'S why you haven't been posting as much lately. Let me know if you'd like some killer baby name suggestions.
Black people.
Oh my God, I'm pissing myself at Poobomber's comment...that was fecking gold.
I still do that with Elmer's glue...well first I sniff it real good.
Remember those fake gum cigarettes loaded with powdered sugar so you could "smoke"?
How about making "soup" out of mud and leaves in the backyard?
Or setting up capture/torture of the barbie doll by your other dolls?
(oop - inner voice)
I used to do the same thing with the glue. Used to. Not anymore.
I used to do the glue thing too. But it wasn't as fun as making rubber cement boogers.
LOL@Beckeye! This made me want to get some rubber cement. I loved that.
I used to use my mom's canning wax to make a retainer.
"paucity" is a pretty fancy-dan word to use "miss repeat 2nd grade 3 times"!
And I had a real retainer, so envy me and my headgear self...
I used to take glue and stretch it between my fingers until it looked like cobwebs. Man, I'm cool!
In first grade, I remember leading a group of girls in making a "mind probe" out of junk we found on the playground; I had seen a mind probe on _Buck Rogers_. We hid the junk in the hole in a tree. Good times.
But you're on your own with the glue thing. Except obviously not from the other commenters. But I never got "into" glue.
I used to enjoy peeling the glue off too, but only when it got all over me by accident. I wasn't a very good gluer.
I used to like to make big balls of rubber cement until it was like a Superball.
You know I was thinking about your glue wastefulness and it reminded me of the time that we had to give up our horse because my Dad lost a bet to a glue factory guy and..
and...
Naaa. That's not going anywhere.
Sadly, in addition to putting the glue on my hands and peeling, I drank the glue. FREAK!
I knew this girl in the second grade who would take big handfuls of paste (on purpose) and use as little as she possibly could so that she could lick the paste off her fingers.
I can only assume that she's a well-preserved corpse somewhere.
I used tomake "Lee Press On Nails" with glue..I even made a template...I thought I was a fucking genius I tell ya
Sticky hands? Putting dirty things in your mouth? Did you go to Catholic school Fal?
I am thinking you were the kid that the teacher put the cardboard box on your desk so you could not distract the other kids.
Wow. Not only did I not realize you are back in business, I see an actual JON sighting just a couple of comments up from mine. Good stuff. And by the way, I am NOT surprised that you spent your childhood pretending to have a retainer and sniffing glue. Because who didn't, right?
I use to wear my Dad's glasses to school. No idea why.
If you were really patient and let the glue dry completely, you could get 12 shades of awesome fingerprints/palmprints.
I had completely forgotten about the paperclip retainers. Why did we think retainers made us prettier? I remember using the end of mine to scrape plaque off those hard to reach back teeth, then eating it. I get all braggy about never having been a booger-eater, and now I feel like a total hypocrite. Still though, plaque is so much less gross than plaque, right? Right. *smug smile*
"Plaque is so much less gross than plaque"?
There goes my smug smile.
I used to LONG for braces/retainers as a child. I think I thought it'd make me look thinner/richer. Whatever.
Really wish I knew about the paper clip retainers. That IS genius.
This post made me want to sniff some white out. Man does that bring back memories...
So I'm not the only one with the Elmer's obsession as a kid.
We had the oldest desks in the United States Public School Systems, and they still had holes for the inkwells. They also had pencil trays on the inside, and we'd fill the tray with glue right before the bell rang. Next morning you'd have more dried glue fun than should be legal in the 2nd grade.
I sniffed rubber cement.
I still crave Elmer's Glue to this day.
Oh I see BeckEye already hit on the rubber cement boogers.
My aunt had an office downtown Chicago we used to go visit. Whenever there my sisters and I would make rubber cement boogers and leave them stuck to file cabinets, desks, chairs & windowsills... Ahhh, good times!
I had friends in 2nd grade that would do that thing with the paperclip in their mouth and it was like nails on a chalkboard just watching them rub... that... metal...arghhh!... across... their.... teeth... gah!
...And now I have braces... Sucks to be me!
Found you through PinkNik's page.
Clever blog name, it's the only reason I clicked on your blog... I had to see if your blog was/is indeed better than mine.
Congrats on being pregnant! And LOL @ the "when I am fired I will blame" title. I literally laughed out loud....and now I've just noticed the "remember you're being judged thing". I love it! Yay for sarcasm! I am subscribing as soon as I hit the publish your comment button.
Thanks for making me smile today, I needed that :D
*PinkNic's page
(Oh good job Autumn, screw up the name of the person you followed here, that'll get you noticed.)
Bah. :)
In 4th grade, I had a jar of paste (with the little paddle built into the screw-cap top), and I used to do the same thing with it as you did with the glue. Once, while dipping into it (so to speak), I discovered that a rubberband had somehow sneaked into the jar at the factory. I was sooooo stoked at the idea that I had a jar of paste UNLIKE ANY OTHER in the world, like a misprinted postage stamp or something. Man, I loved that jar of paste.
I *had* to do that w/ the glue. B/c my skin is so awesome that it wouldn't sunburn.
No matter how much I exposed to the sun. Hours a day, every day of the summer. Not even a hint of pinkness. Stupid awesome skin; made me miss out on that part of childhood.
I used to do BOTH of those things! The peeling glue thing was one of the few things I remember from elementary school. That and the day that we built Barbie houses on our desks out of blocks and miscellaneous school supplies and our fourth grade teacher let us keep them there ALL AFTERNOON.
Paperclip retainers were far more bitchin' than regular "real" retainers. I'm skeptical of the tooth-straightening effectiveness, however.
I bet you also used to stick straight pins through the outer layer of the skin of your fingers, 'cause you're a badass like that. I just know it.
I still have to hold myself back from spreading glue on my hands and peeling it off. I placate myself with peel-off cleansing masks on my face. Those have the added benefit of smelling good.
Awesome retainer! You could totally be a real live orthodontist! We used to make those, as well as fabulous long fingernails out of tape and white out. So natural looking! Oh, and we'd put pencils in our keds so we'd have a realistic limp. Apparently, in 2nd grade, limps are almost as awesome as long weak fingernails and retainers.
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