I Would Probably Have Sex With Google If It Were Human

Often times people will talk about some junk and it just goes in one of my ears and straight out the other. Honestly.

And, listen, I'll just go ahead and admit it -- this pretty much describes everything you people say. I mean, sure, I read your words (or pretend to at least), but seriously, I can barely recall what I had for lunch today let alone the endless daily riff-raff you people type with those fingers of yours (or, for the paraplegic among us, those toes) (or, for the quadraplegic, that mouth holding the pencil with which you peck at those keys) (also, I am truly sorry for the loss of your limbs) (seriously, that totally fucking sucks).

Okay okay, that was all just to say this -- please don't hurt me when I tell you that I have just now discovered a certain precious natural resource of this magnificent planet. A certain natural resource which long ago was unmined by peoples much braver and worlds wiser than I. A resource so tremend... oh fuck this, christ almighty. I finally caught on to this Google Reader shit, okay?

And it has interrupted, for the better, the very fabric of space and time my fucking life has been built upon.

I don't know what that there meant, but I just mean it has saved me, just today, roughly eight and three quarter hours. Okay, okay, I may be exaggerating, but seriously, check it out - here was me before Google Reader:

*Click link* No new posts. FUCK. *Click Back*
*Click link* No new posts. SONOFABITCH. *Click Back*
*Click link* No new posts. GOTOHELL. *Click Back*
*Click link* No new posts. IFUCKINGHATEYOUSERIOUSLY. *Click Back*
*Click link* No new posts. DIEINAFIRE. *Click Back*
*Click link* No new posts. DIEINAMUCHBIGGERFIRETHANTHATLASTGUY. *Click Back*


This was my day. Every. Single. Godforsaken. Day. Several. Times. A. Day.

See?! Do you see now why I hated you ugly monkeys with such a fiery passion?!

I could be on top of the world as I jumped out of bed in the morning, bright smiley sunshiney face ready to take on the glorious day ahead! And then, inevitably, somewhere around half past 9 at work, after about eight or nine minutes of that nonstop clicking back and forth bullshit I wanted to cut you all out of my life for good, delete my goddamn blog altogether from the internets and go cry in the handicapped bathroom stall until lunch.

Now, you may ask me, But Falwless, how does that differ from any other day at work for you? And I would answer, touché, asshole, touché, shut the hell up. But, seriously, I'm almost certain The Google Reader has already made me a better person, physically, mentally and spiritually. Sure it's only been a day, but I can already feel things changing inside of me (though, in the interest of full disclosure, it's also that time of month, so, uh, I can't be really sure what's going on in there, iffinyaknowwhatImean).

Anyway, if you haven't done it yet, I highly recommend signing up for The Google Reader. All you have to do is add each subscription (blog) one at a time, and once that's done you just leisurely check it from time to time and it will show you who has a new post up!

IT'S TRULY, TRULY A BEAUTIFUL, MAGICAL THING, DEAR FELLOW HUMANS. TRULY. Truly and deeply. Had the Magi some Google Reader back in the dizzay, they totally woulda thrown some Congratulations! New Baby! wrapping paper on that shit and given it to Jesus instead of that ridiculous myrrh nonsense. Seriously, what the fuck is myrrh and what the hell was a damn baby supposed to do with it? Wise men my ass!

And one last thing. Before you dare leave a sarcastic comment a) making fun of me for just now signing up for this crap b) telling me that, HELLO!, this new bloglist thing can tell you when someone has posted something new or c) saying "HEY RETARD, I TOLD YOU THIS MONTHS AGO" I would like to ask you to, very kindly, shut your face. Or your hands. Or your toes. Or that pencil in your mouth (seriously, I'm so so sorry about those limbs, god bless you, you limbless mutant child).